What are you doing under there?

UNDERWEAR!!

One of the benefits of being in my late 20s is a deep and intense understanding of the importance of proper underwear.  I have gone through every shameful underwear trend common to youth (g strings, whale tail, granny panties,  commando, too tight undies, too loose undies (aka baggy), colour crimes, double boob, nipple-itis, old bras sans support, strap sins, and failure to consider the wind factor (not from the behind, but exposing the behind).  I have learned a lot, and wish I could relive those days with my current state of knowledge, I look back to highschool pictures and cringe frequently.

I will admit, however, that I have not grown immune to occasional misjudgement in this arena.  Only a few weeks ago I decided to ride my bike out to meet a friend.  I thought I was being a genius wearing my favorite neon pink skinny jeans on my bike, and as usual I wore a thong underneath.  What I did not consider was the enhanced low-risedness imposed by bicycle riding.  I started to bike and found myself having to reach behind to attempt to pull up my pants every 5 seconds.  I also happened to be wearing 4-5 inch platforms (mistake number 2) even though I had my sneakers and flip flops in my bag.  This awkward riding continued for several blocks until I was reaching around AGAIN to try to pull up my pants to hide my whale tail (when your thong is showing above your pants) while riding down a hill, when my foot slipped and I fell off my bike-hard core fall with a nice little slide.  Some kind strangers came over to help me out and I stood up and spoke with them and assuring them that I was fine, just sad that I had ruined my pants [because they had a big grease stain].  They suggested that I not ride my bike in crazy heels, DUH!  They went on their way and I stood there in front of a giant apartment building changing my shoes and wondering how much they might be ridiculing me in their cars.  I was all set and about to re-mount my bicycle when I decided to make sure I did not have any small rips that I should be aware of..reached around to the ass of my jeans…and there was nothing there…that’s right, I was standing with my ass out taking my time talking to strangers on the street and complaining about my ruined pants…little did I know I had ripped the entire bottom out!  I immediately sunk to the ground and sat down on my exposed ass, pulled off my blazer (which was over a see-through shirt  and hot pink bra not at all appropriate for the hour of day) and tied it around my waist.  I considered biking the rest of the way in this state, but thought it could cause yet another disaster, so I called my kind sister to come meet me with her car so that I could change.

Now that I have sufficiently embarrassed my self, I will provide some insight, in honour of the opening of Victoria’s Secret, into proper and amazing underwear for a variety of occasions!  I acknowledge that comfort varies from person to person, but I am sharing based upon my own experiences, observations and discussions with friends.

1. Under jeans: depends on the rise, but often thongs.  Pockets of jeans mean that they can be more forgiving than other pants, so thongs are not necessarily required.  If pants are low rise, I strongly suggest not wearing a thong to avoid “whale tail”

VS Cheeky panties

VS Lacie Thong Panty

2. Under dress pants or shorts: Brazilian  (seamless lace with moderate coverage).  Everyone who wants to wear light coloured pants should get a few pairs of nude Brazilian underwear and nude coloured thongs –white is visible.  Spanks can also work if you wish (I used to rock the spanx a lot but not so much these days).  It is CRITICAL not to wear underwear that are too small or cut in.

Seamless, nude, brazilian hipsters-a must have!
VS’s options in this category are less than ideal, but they do have a lovely seamless non-lace pair as an alternative: http://www.victoriassecret.com/panties/no-lines-and-seamless/cheeky-panty-fabulous-by-victorias-secret?ProductID=63089&CatalogueType=OLS

3. Under a tight dress or skirt:   I suggest boy shorts or even short gym shorts in microfiber or spadex.  Be aware of all angles (I suggest setting up the mirrors in your room so that you have a front and back view at the same time).  Please don’t wear thongs, lace, or sheer panties under these-I don’t want to see your ass or vajayjay when you walk up the stairs at the Alehouse, nor should you want me to.

VS Seamless Boyshort panty

4. A-line or loose dress or skirt:  shorts (as above) or full coverage underwear, or my personal favorite, swimsuit bottoms.  If I am worried that the wind might blow up my skirt or dress, I find that wearing a swimsuit bottom makes me more comfortable with the potential accidental exposure, whether or not anyone else knows they are a swimsuit.  I feel that if someone might see me wearing it at the pool or on the beach that it is less offensive. You could even wear a 1 piece if you want to suck it all in.

Seamless Hipster Panty

All of this comes with the proviso that I love cute underwear but I dress to look good with my clothing on, so if you have other motives-this is not the entry for you (though I do wish you would please at least wear some shorts over your cute hook up panties).